Adopted posted by EmBee
| posted 40 days ago |
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***I'd really like input from anyone who IS adopted, but everyone feel free to give their 2 cents***
My sister is a total fuck up (& then some, we would be here all day if I was going to sit here trying to describe how much she sucks at life) & both her daughters (2 1/2 & 1 years old) were taken from her by the state. They've been fostered into my parent's house, into the care of my parents & me. My sister has continued to screw up since they were taken, so starting in December their case will go on the adoption route (my parents will adopt them).
Well, she's pregnant again, due in November. The case worker asked Monday night if we had decided if we wanted #3 or not & my mom told her we hadn't discussed it yet, but it would ultimately be up to me. I am a HARDCORE Aunt right now, but I am not a mom - I still have my own life, most of the time. If we took in #3, I would become a mom & I would have to adjust my life accordingly (my parents get by without me now, they wouldn't with a third child).
I have been fully aware of this since we found out she was pregnant & have been going back & forth between "Keep my life" & "Be a mom to my sister's kids" -- would I really be okay w.my nieces' sibling out there being raised by strangers? Would I be okay with never achieving the goals I have for my own life?
Yesterday morning helped me answer those questions - I went to court with her for the normal bi-monthly hearing on the girls' case & they gave her a drug test. She failed for weed. My second niece had tested positive for weed at birth & had gotten DYFS involved in our lives. My 2nd niece was also born with heart defects and had to have surgery when she was 5 months old. Not something I ever want to go thru again. My sister has also sporadically been on 2 different antidepressants throughout this pregnancy, and I know that she's had alcohol since becoming pregnant. Needless to say, she's listed as a "high risk" pregnancy...and she doesn't know it but all the hospitals in the state & in Philadelphia were put on alert to contact DYFS when the child is born.
Given the potential affects all this may have on the child's physical & mental health, I've decided that the best course of action is to let the state place the baby (found out today it's a boy) in foster care in another home so that my parents & I can maintain a healthy focus of attention on the girls & hopefully he can be placed in a home that will be suited to best help him with any problems that he may have. THAT is the MAIN reason.
Now to my question. Unless my sister does a complete 180 sometime between now & when the boy's case goes for adoption (& it is EXTREMELY unlikely), he'll be adopted as well. How much is this kid going to hate me when he finds out that he is adopted & we chose to keep his sisters but not him? Can I live with knowing that? |
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| posted 40 days ago |
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i think they need to remove your sister's baby making parts so she can never have another one again.
and i think when the kid is old enough he will be more mad at his mother for the way she lived her life and never cared. |
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| posted 40 days ago |
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Speaking as someone who did screw up and lose their kids, a complete 180 is possible, it's hard and sometimes you need alot of help. My parents didn't think I'd be able to do it, but I have. I've had my job for almost 6 months, longest ever. There is hope for change and recovery but it's hard.
Personally I don't think you'd be able to live with yourself if that little boy was gone. You may not know him but he's your neice's brother, your nephew. It may seem like the best and easiest thing right now, but in 6 months it won't be. You can still achieve what you want in your life with a little boy, you just have to change things. Good luck Em, you'll do great. At the same time though, if you can do it there, why not look for private adoption where you can pick out a nice family who can give him everything he deserves? Make sure he doesn't end up back in the system |
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| posted 40 days ago |
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I wasn't adopted but I have faced something similar. Our sisters should meet. My sister gave her first child up to her grandpa and then had another. She kept the second child until she was about 9 then shipped her off too. My oldest niece would always ask that very question. So one day i sat down with them both, along with my sisters dad and step-mom and had a conversation with them. We explained that no one was able to care for both children at once and that their mom at one point was capable of taking care of just the one for that time period. We told them the whole story and now they're content.
I would suggest that IF the child is adopted out to strangers that you ask for an open adoption. Then at least you would have the opportunity to be in the child's life. A lot of parents who adopt children in this situation are quite sympathetic to the family.
I wish you nothing but luck because that is a hard decision to make. |
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| posted 40 days ago |
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Lis, my sister is not you, trust me. I love her dearly, but I honestly HATE her for everything she's exposed my nieces, & now my nephew, to. In her mind, she is 12 years old & queen of the world & nothing can touch her. In reality, she's 22 w.2 kids who love her but never see her, no idea or care for what is right & wrong, & not even slightly motivated to change that. She's been diagnosed as schizoaffective. She had my nieces living in a motel on & off for the better part of 2 months with 2 drug dealers fresh out of prison, one still on house arrest & was a registered sex offender/child molester. SHE KNEW THIS & LEFT MY NIECES ALONE WITH THEM, WITHOUT A 2ND THOUGHT. A complete 180 for her is HIGHLY unlikely unless she gets motivated & gets proper psych treatment.
& I know...I'm still thinking... |
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| posted 40 days ago |
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God, this makes me cry.
God bless you guys, and do what your heart says. Some kids don't end up hating anyone, they forget what happened in past and move on with the "family" who did adopt them. I never could understand how a woman can just not care of the children they brought into the world. My mother always said, "when a man leaves his child, it's an ugly thing to do, but when a woman walks away from her children, it's the ugliest thing the world can see", and till this day I cry when hear these stories. I have a hard time raising a special needs child all alone with no help since 17 yrs old, but I could never give my baby up, or walk out on him and give him away. It is at times very overwhelming, especially now because he's starting puberty and we're butting heads, but he's my baby and I can't give up on him. |
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| posted 40 days ago |
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33 XP 8588 Posts |
Schizoaffective? I'm lazy and don't want to google it. Especially since I'm in dire need of a bathroom break and clothes lol
Umm....I've done alot of what you're describing actually. Message me and I'll talk to you about it more when I get home from work. There's alot of similarities between her and I apparently
You'll make the right decision and everything will be fine OR you'll make what you feel to be the right decision and then you'll second guess yourself and be miserable for a little while. It will all work out though, you're a good, strong person.   |
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| posted 40 days ago |
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Speaking as someone who IS adopted the boy will be better off being adopted by a loving family who CHOOSES to have and raise him, and not by someone raising him because they have to due to birth. My birth mother (who honestly I just consider as an incubator until I was delivered to my REAL family, my adopted family) was my aunt and she was already a struggling single mother as it was. I was pretty much the result of a one night stand and my parents had tried to have achild before but the baby died at birth I believe. They were trying to adopt when I came along and the timing was right and I was adopted by them and that was that, I was with the family I should be with.
I harbour no hard feelings towards my aunt for what she had to do back then, she and I get along great. Yes I did say I considered her as an "incubator" but I would say the same thing for whoever the birth mother would have been no matter who it was.
When I was little my parents never hid the fact from me that I was adopted, in fact they told me I was special because they chose to have me and raise me. I never once asked my parents who the birth mother was because as far as I was (and still am concerned) they are my REAL parents because they are the ones who raised me from birth and gave me a good home and good family. They were the ones to help me with my homework. They were the ones to bandage up my skinned knees when I was learning to ride a bike. They are the ones who have always been there for me. They are my REAL family!
I would hope the boy that your sister is having would be adopted and raised in the same kind of loving family like I was. I don't feel the boy should be told in such a way that he was adopted by a different family whereas his sisters were adopted by bloodline family members. If he has questions later on, and depending on if his adoptive family is ok with giving him that information, then and only then should he be told about his birth sisters.
If the child is taken from the state and put into the adoption process then that is it, that's the end of it. At that point you have no rights or responsibilities to the child and should not interfere with the raising of that child or be informing him of any siblings he has. If my aunt (or anyone else on that side of the family) had come up to me and told me about the situation behind my adoption I would have been deeply offended that they took it upon themselvs to do so. The only reason I even found out who my birth mother was was that around the time I was turning 25 I had questions to do with family medical history and such, and that was it. I didn't want names or whatever, and to be honest I was more pissed that I was told who the incubator was.
I guess basically to make a long story short, if the boy wants to know the information when he is older, and the family he is adopted by is willing, then and only then inform him of his sisters and hopefully by that time all parties involved will be mature enough to be able to handle the information accordingly. Other than that once he is given up for adoption, leave it alone until (or if) it comes up later on in life. |
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